One Is Just A Number

I often joke that in order to hear God, I need something obvious like a burning bush. I pray and pray but I'm no good at listening. But today, God stopped me in my tracks with a song, one that came up randomly as I listened to iTunes at work. I've been feeling very low since a friend made some seemingly innocent remarks about something she'd seen on Facebook regarding X. In a few sentences, she set back my recovery to the point that I've struggled to get out of bed the past two days. With her words, she took me back to feeling worthless, unloved, hopeless, and alone. Out of 3300 songs loaded on my computer, this one played exactly when I needed to hear it. I stopped where I was in my office, my breath catching in my throat. As tears streamed down my face, I heard these words: To the one whose dreams have fallen all apart And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart I can tell by your eyes you think you're on your own But you're not al...

Momma taught me how to love. She taught me how to be the best person I could be. My mother is the best Christian you could ever find but she would never tell you that. She lives it. She lives it in how she treats people. She lives it in how she tears up when she tells you about the people that she encounters at the ministry center where she volunteers. She lives it by how she raised two girls and took care of her husband of 54 years. Momma loved me conditionally. It makes me sad to think of the ways I've disappointed her but those disappointments have never made me feel like she love me less. My mother led by example by taking care of her mother. My grandmother would have been 100 years old today and I still miss her. I'm sure my mother misses her too. The way my mother took care of her mother was an example to me of how daughters should take care of their mothers. Driving her to doctor;s appointments, shopping for her groceries, staying with her when it would have...

I will admit that I groaned when I read that Beloved was this Friday's word. The sting of having no Valentine was still felt and I didn't know what I would write after spending a day feeling anything but beloved. Somehow my brain turned to my dog Molly, one of the most beloved creatures on this planet. Oh how I loved that dog. Every night before I went to bed, I would lean down over the basket where she was sleeping and say "Mommy loves this dog, she loves this dog." She was my child and I loved her with all my heart. I did not have a dog growing up. Molly was the first dog I ever had. X had his heart set on a bulldog and after doing some research, we decided that the breed was perfect for us. We saw an ad in the paper and traveled about 20 minutes out of town to see the new liter of pups. One came right up to us, sat in front of us, like she was ours from the very beginning. On the car ride home, we decided to call her Molly Josephine. That dog was alway...

I’m getting better about not getting stuck on dates. I don’t dread approaching days for their significance like I did in the early years of my separation and divorce. That’s why when I realized the significance of February 13, 2013, I was surprised it hadn't dawned on me sooner and a little proud of myself that I hadn’t circled the date in black on every calendar I owned Twenty years ago on February 13, X asked me to marry him.   It was 8 months to the day of our first date and he thought, “If I give her an engagement ring on the 13 th , I bet I won’t have to buy her anything for Valentine’s Day.” We had talked about marriage but he hadn’t proposed formally. He kept telling me that he was still saving for a ring. So when we drove to the golf course where we’d shared our first kiss, I had no clue that once we climbed the fence, he would pull a black velvet box out of his coat pocket and tell me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. X and I traded emails on that ...

Being raised Baptist, I knew very little about Ash Wednesday or Lent. I knew that my Catholic friend Judy didn’t eat meat on Fridays but that was the extent of my knowledge. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I knew about the imposition of ashes. I was so embarrassed when I pointed out to a patron of the library I worked at that she had something on her forehead. She could have been a little nicer with her explanation but it prompted me to do more research on the subject. This will be my second Ash Wednesday to attend a service where the palms from Palm Sunday have been burned in the church courtyard. This year I’ll know better what to expect and hopefully I’ll be more able to concentrate on the words and responses than worrying about whether I’m doing it right. As far as giving something up for Lent, I’m going to give up a behavior instead of something tangible like chocolate. I talk to myself. A lot. I’m never lonely because the sound of my own voice keeps me company. Talk...

I often worry that I'm not brave enough to be a blogger. I don't know that I can bare my soul like I should to be an effective blogger. I rarely tell someone everything about me. Some friends know some things, others know different details. It would probably take a panel of friends together to reveal the true and complete me. I am getting better about being the true and complete me. It is easier for me now to be myself around people - I don't worry so much about how people feel about me. The desire to not worry has superseded the worry. I don't care that people know that I love CW shows, that I sleep on sock monkey sheets, and that my true age is 51 as of tomorrow. There is a freedom in being bare, in not keeping track of who knows what and how to act around which person. My desire with my blog is to help people through a period of adjustment, to get to the bare essentials of life to realizing what makes them happy. To do that, I feel as though I need to b...

I think it would take way more than 5 minutes to list the things I am afraid of. Even though I wear a ring every day that says "fear not", I am constantly afraid of something. I probably should change my driver's license to say I live in the state of Fear because I am always afraid. Afraid that I will be alone forever. Afraid that my broken heart will never heal. Afraid that my broken marriage is all my fault. Afraid that I am unlovable. Afraid that I will never find what truly makes me happy. Afraid that I will lose the people I love the most. Afraid that the voices in my head that tell me I'm nothing, that I don't matter are the right ones and that the ones in my heart that tell me I do are the ones that lie. Afraid that no one is reading this. Afraid that I will fail at every single thing I attempt. Afraid that no one cares and that my attempts to show others that I care about them go unappreciated. Afraid that I am not good enough. Afraid that the people...