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Steps in the Right Direction‏

I did something that terrified me on Sunday - I spoke in front of my church. It wasn't a huge number of people, approximately 100, but that is more than I've talked to at once. Ever. I gave a testimony of sorts about how I feel about my church. Several weeks ago, I wrote this post from Lisa-Jo's prompt worship . Once I was done with it, I sent it to my pastor to let him know what the church meant to me. He asked me if I'd be willing to speak these words at the beginning of the service, as part of events gearing up to Pledge Sunday.

This was huge for me for several reasons. Like I said, it was something that terrified me, which I am not prone to do. I shrink away from things that scare me but this time, I answered in the affirmative and hit reply to my pastor's email before I could chicken out. Second, it got me out of the shadows and moving towards being a more active member of my church. In the eight months I've been a member there, I've mostly just attended Sunday morning service. I took part in month-long Bible study and I've been to a few activities here and there, but speaking in front of everyone, brought me out of the comfort of my pew and into the life of the church. After that service, I was invited to take part in the monthly book club and I volunteered to proofread the cookbook project. Third, I labeled myself as divorced. I still don't like to say those words. I cringe when I say "ex-husband". And even though the thing that struck a chord with so many who heard my testimony was the fact that my church does not put people into categories of married and single, I put myself into one, and saying those words made it that much more real.

Lately my posts have been limited to my Five Minute Friday posts because I haven't felt like I'm being very successful at thinking "One Is Just A Number". X remarrying a month ago made me feel like I was starting the whole healing process over again - like that ceremony opened up the wound of my broken heart. I couldn't even bring myself to write a blog post about that, typing those words and writing my feelings about it were just more than I could handle.

What I keep coming to though is - I don't have to have it all figured out to write about it. I don't have to do it all myself. I can take you all with me and I can figure it out as I/we go along. Even though it hurt to say the word divorced in front of my congregation, that is the reality of my life. The good thing is, I am in a place every Sunday morning that doesn't care about that. It doesn't have to define me. I am first and foremost a child of God and that really is the only label I should put on myself. Wrapping my mind around that is a huge step in the right direction.
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