One Is Just A Number

I have thought about finding a place to worship for so long. Like years. When I got divorced 5 years ago, my search turned into a need for a place to heal. I visited my friends' large, charismatic church. They loved it there and encouraged me to join them. It was held in a converted factory, not your average setting for worship, but I gave it a shot. It never felt right. The word there was uplifting and the work they did in the community was tremendous but I never felt like I fit in. I felt like I wasn't the right kind of person to be a member there, I couldn't check the right boxes on their visitor's form. I wasn't married with kids. One Sunday I decided to be brave and make a solo visit to a church near my home. Even though I was raised Baptist and the last church I attended regularly was Lutheran, I wanted to see what this Methodist church was all about. I loved that it was part of my neighborhood and that like the church I grew up in, it was...

We were supposed to last. On paper it didn't look like we should. I was 8 years older than you but I acted younger than my age and you acted older so we met in the middle. We were supposed to defy the odds and be in the 50% that lasted. Then one day you told me you were going to move out, then another day you told me you wanted a divorce. I felt like it was going to be the last time I was loved. Tomorrow you are getting remarried.  I thought I would be your last wife because when you left, you told me that you didn't want to be married. But today they published your marriage license in the newspaper so that makes it oh so real that our marriage did not last. I have spent a lot of time questioning things - why didn't we last, what was the last thing I said to you before you left, will this heartache last forever? One thing I have not questioned is God's love for me. It will last forever. If I let go of this heartache, it won't last forever. You may not ev...

I'm so embarrassed when I focus on my problems because they are so small in comparison to the problems of those around me. I have a friend who has been having seizures. An MRI detected trauma in his brain. He and his wife wait for a diagnosis that will forever change their lives. I know of a 23-year-old girl who just had brain surgery to prevent another stroke. Twenty-three-year-olds are not supposed to have strokes. A new father had to hear the news that his father was shot eight times as he carried his trash to the curb. A co-worker supports a family of three adults because two of those adults don't feel the need to work to carry their load and help pay the bills. These are just the people I know. This doesn't even touch on the problems of the world. So why do I focus on my heartache? Why can't I just turn my so-very-small problems to my so-very- big God and concentrate on ways to ease my friends' problems. My problems are so small but e...

When I read the word of the week, I shook my head and thought "I don't want to write another sad post". I am lonely a lot of days. I know the saying, "You're lonely but not alone" but when you are sitting in a house by yourself that you used to share with someone else, you feel lonely and alone. It doesn't matter that other people are just a phone call or Facebook post away, you feel alone. So this Friday, I took steps to step away from feeling alone. I usually go home for lunch each day but when a friend sent an email about a lunchtime gathering, I replied to the email with a "yes" before my brain could think about it. I had a wonderful lunch full of laughter and camaraderie and it was so much better than a sandwich eaten on my couch. In the evening, I did something really scary and met 8 new people. A co-worker invited me to a game night at her home, one attended by "every single man she knows". Single meaning not m...

My story is what made me want to start blogging. The story of how my heart was broken by one of the people I trusted most in this world. It's hard to tell our stories - we want to help people but there's the fear of criticism or advice that seems but too easy to give but hard to put into practice. I want my blog to help people. I want it to shave time off of someone else's time to heal a broken heart. I want it to be an inspiration to others, whether they are on their own for the first time or trying to remember what it's like to be on their own after years of being part of a couple. I haven't always been good at telling my story. I've been afraid to write about the bad days, afraid to come off as a whiner or to be repetitive with the "debbie downer" posts. But I need to push through and tell my story because I feel like it is what I am supposed to do. That in my telling my story, I will find the healing that I wish for so much. Please kno...